i'm lost in not caring lately- i can't seem to engage in anything but the need to make lists on what i should be doing. i get it from my grandmother- the lists i mean, not the listlessness. the simple cursive handwriting, slanted to the right, the loops, the scratches for dots on the i's... each letter looked the same no matter how many times it appeared..,the m in milk, hem, margarine, the c in vaccum, clean, and broccoli. i want nothing more than that, i believe, than the patience and routine of sewing your own actions actions over and through lists of things to do, to buy, to eat, and to remember...
today my lists focus on money- cashing checks, applying for loans, faxing w2's, buying books... and because i have no money, each square box, hollow and waiting for a check mark to be poured into it, makes me nervous- anxious- impatient. i want my lists to be about picking the weeds from the strawberry patch, planting the corn, vaccuming the upstairs and practicing a hymn on the piano. i want to worry about fixing a hem, making pot roasts and doing a load of wash.
but instead today i will study the tax policy that put me to sleep on the subway, pick up readings about urban decline in a city i've never been to and dig through my papers to find tax forms for a loan i don't want so i can study more of something that bores me...if i could change my lists, would it change my listlessness?